don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
