I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
