You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I did not marry a roomba.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
