i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
