on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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