Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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