my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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