You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
