Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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