Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
