I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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