A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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