who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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