i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
