This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
