Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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