And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
