after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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