We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
