This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
