think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
