Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
