a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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