If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
