marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
