u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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