one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
