Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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