i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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