Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
