im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
