So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
