i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We're too hungover to prance.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
