i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i out mim tonsoeep
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
