Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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