I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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