The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
