Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
