I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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