It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
