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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I supernannyed him into submission
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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