Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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