Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
