Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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