That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
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This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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