No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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