He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
