I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
