On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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