M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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