I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
