Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
