i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
