and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
