He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
