Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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