I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
