Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is it penis luge time yet?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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