were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
When are your genitals available?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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