do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
